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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #16
RE: The Top.....

Sad, but even sadder- almost true....


The Top 10 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO


10. Its clever name? "Whatevercare"

9. Staff physicians include Dr. Doom, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.

8. Anesthesia? Your choices: Whiskey, a bullet to bite on, or a Louisville Slugger to the head.

7. "Chemotherapy" machine looks suspiciously like a tanning bed.

6. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

5. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning." And they make you get your own leeches!

4. No X-ray machine, but each doctor is issued a pair of "X-ray specs."

3. Tongue depressers taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

2. Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

and the Number 1 Sign You've Joined a Cheap HMO...


1. Radiation treatment for cancer patients consists of a carrying a postcard from Chernobyl in your pocket.


Its just a joke...not meant to offend anyone. :hug:


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-06-2007 05:05 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #17
RE: The Top.....

This is from 1999, but it is so funny, I just had to post it!!!:D

The Top 15 Dan Quayle Campaign Promises


15. Statehood for Hawaii and Alaska

14. "Read my lips: Know knew taxis!"

13. Four years of unequaled prosperity for comedy writers

12. To "lead this great nation into the 20th Century."

11. New OSHA safety campaign: "Scissors Is Pointy"

10. A peaceful end to the Viet Nam war

9. Appoint Judge Reinhold to the Supreme Court

8. Spending cutbacks... except for funding of this cool rocket car idea I came up with.

7. More bondage between parents & children.

6. Turn over Marilyn's bulletproof hair secrets to the Department of Defense.

5. Deploy US troops to end ongoing ethnic violence between Star-Bellied Sneetches and Plain-Bellied Sneetches.

4. "By the end of my term, America will be fully prepared for the Y2K bug."

3. Support NATOE

2. Reduce the number of commercials on the Cartoon Network.

and the Number 1 Dan Quayle Campaign Promise...


1. Will serve less than two terms if that job with Ringling Brothers comes through.


If you're not rolling on the floor laughing :rofl: you may need to see a specialist--your funny bone is broken! :D


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-07-2007 05:58 PM
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gogh
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Post: #18
RE: The Top.....

Who is Dan Quayle?


"......."This is my Son, whom I have chosen. Keep listening to him!" Luke 9:35
02-07-2007 06:23 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #19
RE: The Top.....

gogh Wrote:
Who is  Dan Quayle?



:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::r ofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

I guess I should have "updated" it with George W. Bush---it still works!:D


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-07-2007 11:12 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #20
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Least Scary Stephen King Novels


10. The Dustbunnies

9. Balder

8. Bag of Scones

7. Choirstarter

6. Cujo 2: Yo Quiero Taco Bell

5. The Whining

4. The Tummy-Grumblers

3. Children of the Kornbergs

2. Pet Seminary

and the Number 1 Least Scary Stephen King Novel...

1. Carrie-Okie


Have you ever heard Stephen King sing????:D:D:D


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-08-2007 08:29 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #21
RE: The Top.....

The Top 11 Least Popular Video Games


11. Bloodless Coup!

10. Cindy Crawford's Whack-a-Mole

9. Super Sega Homework Assault!

8. Dung Beetle Simulator

7. Browser Crash '07

6. Dewey Decimal 2000

5. Sermon Master 3D

4. Microsoft Couch Simulator

3. Cyst

2. Super Baldwin Brothers

And the number one least popular video game is...

1. Amish Kombat
:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: (Its good to be able to laugh at your own jokes! :D)


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-09-2007 01:43 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #22
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Special Powers of the Young Darth Vader :evil:



10. Could hack into Death Star mainframe to vaporize his violin teacher's house. :shoot:

9.  Could make Obi-Wan Kenobi pee his pants by sneaking in his room and putting his hand in warm water. :lightsaber:

8.  For a white boy, he does a pretty darn good James Earl Jones impression. :cool:

7.  Astounding dodge ball prowess combined with "take no prisoners" attitude resulted in many a beheaded opponent. :defensive:

6.  The old Jedi "your lunch money is mine" trick. :wizard:

5.  Ability to emit a powerful protective force-field after only one bean burrito. :yuck:

4.  Won the high school talent show every year by making the vice principal writhe in pain. :voodoo:

3.  The uncanny ability to make all the hottest babes believe that through the constant application of love and understanding they can change him. :serenade:

2.  "You don't need to see my I.D. You know I'm old enough to buy beer." :argue:

and the Number 1 Special Power of the Young Darth Vader...


1.  Pasty skin + jet-black wardrobe + intense aura of impending doom = Goth babe magnet!
:tophat:

:borg:  We need a darth vader smilie!!! :D


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-10-2007 11:31 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #23
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Ways Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday :voodoo:


10.  Had 40 donuts and make a quick trip to the bathroom. :barf:

9.  For kicks, told an 11-year-old girl she looked "a little chunky." :jawdrop::evil:

8.  Got "dollfaced." :drinking:

7.  Same as last year -- had another rib removed. :sick:

6.  Got jiggy in the barracks with G.I. Joe. :dancing:

5.  Drowned her sorrows in a thimbleful of Barbie Dream Gin while listening to the deafening roar of her biological clock. :crybaby:

4.  Weekly tanning session in an Easy Bake oven. :crazyeyes:

3.  Same as every day -- curled up on a couch watching "The View" with General Foods Viennese coffee blend and Snackwells cookies. :snack::tv:

2.  Had a big party and invited all her plastic friends -- just like the rest of us do. :assimilation:

and the Number 1 Way Barbie Celebrated her 40th Birthday...

1.  Ransacked the house looking for that arm the dog chewed off. :whine:
:haha:


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-11-2007 06:38 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #24
RE: The Top.....

The Top 15 Least Popular Names for Street Gangs :crutch:


15. The Lords of the Dance :dancing:

14. The Bitter and Self-Absorbed Grad School Dropouts :grad:

13. Delicate Hummels :sheepy:

12. The Joyful Mysteries :rabbi:

11. Tommy Tutone Tappers :dance:

10. The Promise Keepers :priest:

9.  The Bullseyes :ninjastar:

8.  The Crotchety Out-of-Work Impeachment Managers :slap:

7.  Los Losers :nerdy:

6.  The Tinky Winkys :voodoo:

5.  East Side Gandhis :peace:

4.  Crips@aol.com :ugotmail:

3.  The G Street Webmasters :computerpunch:

2.  The Pig-Latin Ings-Kay :king::dunce:

and the Number 1 Least Popular Name for a Street Gang...


1.  The Disciples of Tesh :assimilation:


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-12-2007 08:06 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #25
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Good Things About a Cold Winter

10. Getting impressionable youngsters to stick their tongue to anything metal outdoors!

9. BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.

8. Finally, a chance to say, "Yeah, but it's a dry cold."

7. You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.

6. Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid yourself of those troublesome extremities.

5. No newsclips of jogging President for at least 8 more weeks.

4. Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone else's toasty-warm glove-clad hands.

3. With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.

2. The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!

and the Number 1 Good Thing About a Cold Winter...


1. Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-13-2007 09:56 PM
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Totaldismay
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Post: #26
RE: The Top.....

Hey Cali :rofl: where do you get this stuff, sometimes I scratch my head and go oh nooo she didn't LOL


No really HI:thumbsup:

02-13-2007 10:17 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #27
RE: The Top.....

Totaldismay Wrote:
Hey Cali  :rofl:  where do you get this stuff , sometimes I scratch my head and go oh nooo  she didn't   LOL


No really  HI:thumbsup:



If I told you, I'd have to find a new place to get my material!!! :D

(Well, at least I didn't say, "If I told you, I'd have to kill you!";))


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-13-2007 10:32 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #28
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Signs You're Going To
Spend The Rest Of Your Life Single
---In Honor of Valentines' Day!!!:D


10. Although you know the batting average of every New York Yankee, you can't remember your girlfriend's dress size or the color of her eyes... or her name.

9. Let's put it this way: In the "Mr. Hairy Back" pageant, you didn't have to settle for the congeniality award.

8. The makers of "Frozen Meals For One" made you their "Customer of the Year" -- again.

7. In your world, nothing says "I love you" like a head butt.

6. Instead of "Occupant", your junk mail is addressed to "Loser."

5. Back in high school you were voted "Most likely to die alone, in a big-empty house."

4. Klingon, unfortunately, is not a very romantic language.

3. You'll master the art of meeting women as soon as they make a PlayStation game about it.

2. None of your 23 cats ever likes your boyfriend.

and the Number 1 Sign You're Going To Spend The Rest Of Your Life Single...


1. Who has time for dating when you're building a life-size Spock out of Legos?


Much love to you all, Valentine's Day or no!!! :heartbeat::heartbeat::grouphug::grouphug:


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-14-2007 07:09 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #29
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Republican, 2008 Campaign Promises


10. "I'll put the White back in White House!"

9. Christian/heathen; Straight/sodomite; Caucasian/ troublemaker; I'll teach America how to divide things into helpful categories!

8. New right-wing PBS children's programming: "The TeleNazis"

7. 20% across-the-board tax reduction; 30% across-the-board tolerance reduction

6. Jesus loves you and so do I. (The preceding promise should be considered null and void in West Hollywood, South Beach, Fire Island and Key West.)

5. Will annex Sudatenland, invade Poland.

4. Will appoint an Independent Counsel to investigate "those Jews."

3. To build a wall across the Canadian border to keep out those damn Frostbacks.

2. Right after deer season -- abortion clinic worker season!

and the Number 1 Republican, 2008 Campaign Promise...

1. Appoint a special legislative committee to look into this "All men are created equal" crap.


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-15-2007 06:38 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #30
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Episodes of a TV Sitcom Starring Bill Gates


10. "Beverly Hills 90210.2" -- Bill is scammed out of his billions by a midriff baring vixen, only to have the money restored by Dylan, who somehow accomplishes this on a laptop while hanging around at the Peach Pit.

9. "The Brady Bunch" -- Marsha doesn't think her new boyfriend, Bill, is so groovy after he puts Bobby and Cindy's lemonade stand out of business.

8. "One's Company" -- Deciding that less company is best for him, zany Bill forces all his co-stars into early retirement.

7. "That 70's Show" -- When Bill gets his first summer job programming in COBOL, Y2K hilarity ensues.

6. "Mork & Mindy" -- Mork's dweeby cousin, Dork from Ork, visits Earth.

5. "Love Boat" -- The crew watches in horror as Captain Bill refuses to yield right-of-way to the oncoming supertanker USS Justice Department.

4. "Everybody Loves Bill" -- Bill begins to suspect that people love him for his money. Guest stars: Anne Nicole Smith, Carmen Electra, and the guy who married Martha Ray.

3. "I Dream of Billy" -- Major Gates discovers a genie in a bottle who offers him the world; he refuses, saying, "I already own it!"

2. "Billigan's Island" -- Billigan builds a machine which is sure to get the castaways off the island -- but it keeps crashing!

and the Number 1 Episode of a TV Sitcom Starring Bill Gates...


1. "Family Matters" -- Urkel imagines what his adult life would be like if he had been born Caucasian.


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-16-2007 10:00 PM
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