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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #31
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Worst Reasons For Calling 911


10. To deliver your daily report that, yet again, you have spotted no enemy aircraft in the area.

9. "Friggin' childproof lids!"

8. To ask if they taped last night's episode of "Diagnosis Murder."

7. You've found "the real killers."

6. Only two hours until the party and simply nothing in your closet screams, "wear me."

5. Forgot which local channel was the UPN affiliate.

4. "What does Adam-12 stand for again?"

3. "I don't care if it IS a movie! The ship just hit an iceberg!"

2. "He's doing it again!! That same man from yesterday just drove by and threw a newspaper at my porch!!"

and the Number 1 Worst Reason For Calling 911...


1. "Oh my God! They've killed Kenny!!!"


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-17-2007 09:59 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #32
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Ways the British Royal Family
Can Modernize the Monarchy


10. Lop off Charlie's ears for streamlined aerodynamic styling and increased fuel-efficiency.

9.  Trade in Royal Sceptre for a huge foam finger with "Born to Rule" on it.

8.  Group appearance on Jerry Springer on "Inbreeding Monarchies" show.  

7.  Elton John tributes for everybody!

6.  Convicted witches now microwaved at the stake.

5.  Have the queen wear her tiara backwards and rap her speeches as The Notorious H.R.M. Liz Crowny Crown and the RoyL Cru.

4.  Upgrade Royal Boombox from 8-track to cassette.

3.  www.our first beheading.com

2.  For knighthood ceremony: Out with the sword, in with the head butt!

and the Number 1 Way the Royal Family Can Modernize the Monarchy...


1.  Two words: Extreme Foxhunting


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-19-2007 05:50 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #33
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Signs Your Hollywood Career is Over---
(Part I)


10. Your new directorial assignment? "Saving Private Ryan II: The Musical."

9. Announcement on back of Church Bulletin reads, "Saturday 9/26 - Annual Bazaar with special appearance by Sinbad."

8. "Direct to video?" Your last movie shipped "direct to landfill."

7. The TeleTubbies now have your private table at Spago's and you've been moved near the kitchen, behind Joe Piscopo.

6. The mob waiting for you to emerge from your hotel room consists of vice squad cops and paparazzi.

5. You're now officially only one degree of separation from Pauley Shore.

4. Despite your attempts to pass it off as a "product placement," everybody knows you simply had toilet paper stuck to your shoe throughout your last film.

3. Let's just say that, of the Streisand-Brolin's, you're the one who can't sing.

2. Despite the success of your "Naked Gun" films, the only script you've been sent recently was, "I Know What You Did To Ron & Nicole."

and the Number 1 Sign Your Hollywood Career is Over...


1. Your agent can't decide whether to promote you as "The next Lou Ferrigno" or "A thinking man's Urkel."


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-20-2007 08:34 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #34
RE: The Top.....

At last, the long awaited.....
The Top 12 Originally Proposed Titles for the New "Star Wars" Movie


12. Star Wars I: "Star Trek, the Next Generation" kisses our Jedi butt.

11. Just Hand Over the Wallet, and Nobody Gets Hurt

10. Springtime for Vader

9. Episode I: Mr. Lucas Wants A Bigger Boat

8. Obi Wan, Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan, Obi Wan.

7. The Toys-R-Us Christmas '99 Catalog

6. Boba Fett's Not In It So Don't Even Ask, Fanboy

5. Titanic *THIS*, Jim Cameron!

4. Star Wars I (Harrison Ford Not Included)

3. Star Wars: Yoda Man! No, Yoda Man!

2. There's Something About Money

and Top5's Number 1 Originally Proposed Title for the New "Star Wars" Movie...


1. Come To Papa, You Geeks


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-21-2007 04:11 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #35
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Signs You've Joined
the Wrong Martial Arts School
(Part I) :defensive:




10. Lesson 1: A guy who looks and sounds like Danny DeVito in a bathrobe points to a pile of concrete blocks and says "Knock yourselves out, Grasshoppers." :bigboss:

9.  Your dojo's symbol is a bullseye target. :scared:

8.  All the trophies in the display case appear to be altered bowling trophies. :1st:

7.  Other students show up with sketchbooks. :artist:

6.  Instead of belts, levels of prowess are denoted by colorful suspenders and co-ordinating ascots. :bozo:

5.  Although the Grandmaster's hands "move faster than the eye can see", you can still detect a fair amount of nose picking going on. :seehearspeak:

4.  The lesson keeps getting interrupted while the Master swaps french fry baskets. :jawdrop:

3.  As a student is wheeled out by paramedics, the instructor says "Class, name 3 things Alan did wrong."  :crutch:

2.  Spent the first eight lessons learning to talk while moving your lips in a seemingly unrelated manner. :rolleyes:

and the Number 1 Sign You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School...


1.  At the end of every class, your instructor says, "...or you could just buy a friggin' gun."
:suicide:


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-22-2007 10:02 PM
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Gemini
Night Owl


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Post: #36
RE: The Top.....

CaliHavoc Wrote:
The Top 10 Signs You've Joined
the Wrong Martial Arts School
(Part I) :defensive:

1. At the end of every class, your instructor says, "...or you could just buy a friggin' gun."
:suicide:


For some reason this reminds me of the Monty Python skit with the Defense against Fresh Fruit skit. :D


"And it is still true, no matter how old you are-when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together." - Robert Fulghum
02-23-2007 12:20 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #37
RE: The Top.....

Gemini Wrote:
For some reason this reminds me of the Monty Python skit with the Defense against Fresh Fruit skit. :D


Oh, good! I'm not the only fan of Monty Python on the board!!! :D:thumbsup::D:thumbsup::D:thumbsup:


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-23-2007 07:27 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #38
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Signs You've Joined the
Wrong Martial Arts School
(Part II) :ninja:



10. First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully. :covereyes:

9. Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled pocket protector. :nerdy:

8. The "gis" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars" are just slices of old cheese. :ninjastar:

7. The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie. :headbang:

6. The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges. :slap:

5. Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor. :dueling:

4. Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end. :beatoverhead:

3. Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does not exist in this dojo!" :fightingmad:

2. You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying to tie your belt on. :sweaty::igiveup:

and the Number 1 Sign You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School...


1. Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a can of whoop-ass" on someone? :chinese:


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-23-2007 07:40 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #39
RE: The Top.....

The Top 12 Work Phrases that Require Translation:


12. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.

11. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

10. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

9. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.

8. "DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

7. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

6. "CAREER-MINDED": Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

5. "NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

4. "SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE": You'll need it to replace three people whom just left.

3. "PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

2. "REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

And the Number 1 work phrase requiring translation:

1. "GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-24-2007 06:56 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #40
RE: The Top.....

Top ten ways that you know you are suffering from "job burnout"


10. You're so tired; you now answer the phone, "Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.

7. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You have so much on your mind; you've forgotten how to pee.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager will go off before the alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.

And the number one way you know you are suffering from "job burnout":

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-25-2007 06:38 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #41
RE: The Top.....

Top Work Phrases---NEVER USE!!! if you want to keep your job!
(part I)


13. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by
your unique point of view.

12. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist.

11. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet
it's hard to pronounce.

10. Any connection between your reality and mine is
purely coincidental.

9. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
care.

8. I like you. You remind me of when I was young
and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

6. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

5. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.

4. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions
I had about you.

3. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of
Karma to burn off.

2. No, my powers can only be used for good.

And the number one work phrase that you should never use if you want to keep your job....

1. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are
largely ceremonial.


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-26-2007 05:19 PM
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observant
Concerning the Lilies


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Post: #42
RE: The Top.....

Quote:
5. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your
mouth.


I love duct tape, one of the most useful and versitile substances in the world.... My solution for many a problems..

:D

Love
Lynn


Consider the lilies, how they grow; they do not toil, they do not spin. And yet I say to you that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luk 12:27
02-27-2007 12:28 AM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #43
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Signs You Watch Too Much TV



10. Your co-workers are oblivious to the fact that your "DayTimer" is really a leather-bound TV Guide.

9. You have DSS, DVD, HBO, MTV, HDTV, MSNBC -- and HSB (Huge Sofa Butt).

8. Last night you dreamt Sally Struthers begged you to send money to buy rice for poor, starving, desperate housewives.

7. Your name: Nick
Nickelodeon's new channel: Nick for Nick

6. You write daily to the producers of "Bassmasters" to urge them come out with movie version.

5. Your last comment to your most recent ex-wife: "Shhhhhhh! T.J. Hooker's on."

4. You effortlessly crack walnuts with your clicker thumb.

3. Forget the dish, you have your own friggin' satellite.

2. Those 37 electrocutions still don't deter you from watching cartoons in the shower.

and the Number 1 Sign You Watch Too Much TV...


1. The last time you read for enjoyment was when they subtitled Hiro Nakamura on Heroes!


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
02-27-2007 09:43 PM
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CaliHavoc
Maid Micah


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Post: #44
RE: The Top.....

The Top 10 Reasons You Won't
Win any Costume Contest



10. Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that big at the White house.

9. The Bride of Frankenstein had big, pointy hair and a small, round butt, not the other way around.

8. 'Cause you should know that wearing a white sheet in Atlanta could only lead to getting your ass whupped, Homeboy.

7. Your "Yanni" costume got you beat up on the way to the party -- four times.

6. Yellow Homer Simpson makeup? Check.
Can of Homer Simpson "Duff Beer"? Check.
Homer Simpson pants? DOH!!!!

5. No one can tell whether you came as Abe Vigoda or Marge Schott.

4. This year's guest judge, Elizabeth Dole, has apparently never even heard of Marilyn Manson.

3. Much to your surprise, three other people came dressed as Nikola Tesla, father of alternating current.

2. The judges wrongly interpreted your "Liposuction By-product" costume as a "Bowl of Tapioca Pudding" costume.

and the Number 1 Reason You Won't Win any Costume Contest...


1. Your kindergarten students failed to see the irony in your "Road Kill Barney" costume. :shocked::shocked::shocked:


Live every day to its fullest. Love as often as you can. Laugh as though the angels laughed with you.

"For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me."  Philippians 4:13
03-01-2007 05:57 PM
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observant
Concerning the Lilies


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Post: #45
RE: The Top.....

Quote:
1. Your kindergarten students failed to see the irony in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.


Sorry never could endear myself to that purple colored beast.. He leads to the insainity of many a parent.


Consider the lilies, how they grow; they do not toil, they do not spin. And yet I say to you that Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Luk 12:27
03-01-2007 09:16 PM
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